Mall Stream Gurgle

Excerpt from the novelization of the latest movie in the Chronicles of Narnia series, Voyage of the Dawn Treader:

"And then the Dawn Treader flew into space and renamed itself the Enterprise. Caspian was so shocked at the number of stars that he went bald, and Eustace lost his emotion after becoming a dragon but maintained pointed ears as a sign of his transformation."

It happened.

Illustrations to accompany the story of Dave the Dinosaur. All art was done by a disgruntled box jellyfish.

Dave the Stigmatized Dinosaur

Once there was a dinosaur named Dave. Dave had a secret none of his friends knew about. Every time he heard a bell ring, he would leap into the air. Sometimes this made things hard for Dave, but sometimes he almost forgot about it.

Then one day Dave was with his friends when one said, “Look at this bell I got for my birthday!” and held up a shiny new bell. The bell rang, and Dave jumped.

“Hey, look!” Dave’s friend called out as he rang the bell again. “Dave is a bell jumper!”

“No, I’m not,” Dave protested as he jumped.

“It’s okay,” his friends told him. “No one will mind.”

News spread quickly throughout Dino Town, and soon everyone knew that Dave was a bell jumper.

The next week, Dave went to the Leaf Store to find a job. When he asked the owner if he could work in the store, the owner shook his head sadly and said, “Sorry, Dave. Customers ring a bell when they need service, and I do not want you to break things when you jump.”

So Dave went to another store and asked for a job. This owner shook his head sadly as well and said, “Sorry, Dave. We don’t have any bells in here, but I heard that bell jumpers may jump when doors close loudly—and that happens a lot around here.”

By this time Dave was very discouraged but decided to try a third store anyway.

“Why Dave, you look so unhappy,” the store owner said. “Everyone who works here needs to look happy for the customers; so we cannot hire you.”

Deeply saddened, Dave returned home. “I guess dinosaurs just do not like bell jumpers,” he sighed. “Is it so bad to leap when I hear something ring? Maybe they dislike bell jumpers because what the store owner said is true. I might start springing high into the air when I hear almost any sound. The mayor of Dino Town is very smart and wise. If I talk to him, perhaps he can help me.”

That afternoon, Dave went to city hall to talk to the mayor of Dino Town. “Why hello, young Dave,” the mayor greeted him. “How are you this fine day?”

“Not so good, Mayor,” Dave admitted. “Now that everyone knows that I am a bell jumper, no one wants to hire me. Is it because I will start jumping when I hear other sounds, too?”

“I do not think so,” the mayor replied. “If bell jumpers jumped at other sounds, they would be called bell and other sound jumpers. Maybe the other dinosaurs just do not understand bell jumping well.”

“You’re right!” Dave cried. “I should tell them more about bell jumping. Then they will understand. Thank you, mayor.” He ran off with a smile.

A group of three dinosaurs watched Dave run out of city hall. “I wonder what Dave was doing in there, “ one dinosaur said.

“He was probably talking to the mayor,” said another.

“Oh dear,” said the third. “The mayor? Something serious must have happened. Could his bell jumping be growing worse?”

“We must be careful not to embarrass Dave by making him jump too much,” the first dinosaur replied. “It would be terrible to upset him.”

All that night, Dave prepared a speech about how bell jumping is not so bad. The next morning, he confidently walked up to a group of dinosaurs and told them, “Good morning. May I talk to you about bell jumping?”

But the dinosaurs said nothing. No matter what Dave did, they never spoke or made any noise at all. All the other dinosaurs did the same. Whenever Dave drew near, the dinosaurs of Dino Town fell silent for fear of making him embarrass himself or break something by jumping.

Confused and sadder than ever, Dave went home and cried himself to sleep. The end.

re:

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones
I was looking at your photos and you are so hot
I want to meet you or talk to you some more
Message me on Messengarchat madison21bell@hotmail.com is my name there
Ill send you some pictures of myself on there
Ill be online all day as im bored
Thanks talk soon hun


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Me
To: You
Date: Thu, 25 NOv 2010 16:57:58 -0600
Subject: Fw: URGENT!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!! URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!.

----- Original Message -----
From: Me
To: You
Sent: Thu, 25 NOv 2010 13:11:17 -0450
Subject:Fw: URGENT!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!! URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!.

Subject:FW: URGENT!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!! URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!.

FYI

Leadership-If you're riding' ahead of the herd...take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.-Will Rogers

----- Original Message -----

Subject:Fw: URGENT!!!!!!URGENT!!!!!!!!!! URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!.

Received this just now

TWO SUBJECT LINES of which to be AWARE

Just verified this with Snopes and it is REAL. ALSO WENT TO TRUTH OR FICTION, IT'S on their site also.

PLEASE INFORM EVERYONE you know!
1.) Emails with pictures of Osama Bin-Laden hanged are being sent and the moment that you open these emails your computer will crash and you will not be able to fix it!

If you get an e-mail along the lines of 'Osama Bin Laden Captured' or 'Osama Hanged', don't open the Attachment!!!!

This e-mail is being distributed through countries around the globe, but mainly in the US and Israel

Be considerate & send this warning to whomever you know.

2.) You should be alert during the next few days:

Do not open any message with an attached file called 'Invitation' regardless of who sent it.

It is a virus that opens an Olympic Torch which 'burns' the whole hard disc C of your computer!!!!


==========================

Credit for this post goes to Joshua Yu.

Cannibal Apple = Cannapple?

Using this secret technique, for the LOW price of ninety-seven payments of $39.99, you too can reach the 40th floor of a building via the stairs in less than minute.

.em yaP .roolf htnin-ytriht eth morf tratS

Contemplations

Card raptors? Or . . .

Cardraptors?

When Corn on the Cob is Not Enough

Look instead for Bob of the puff.

If Whistler's Mother stole your shoes . . .

I discovered a machine dedicated solely to milk.

Pickles

Earmuffs to keep you warm and fuzzy inside if you swallow them.

Fwd:

Date: Sat, 26 Jun 2010 04:07:32 - 0800
From: bob_says_im_ugly_and_it-s_true@happydayz.org
Subject: Fw:
To:

----- Forwarded Message ----

From: Bob <"i_call_people_ugly_and_i-m_right@everyoneissad.net">
To: bob_says_im_ugly_and_it-s_true@happydayz.org
Sent: Thursday, June 24, 2010 6:34:28 PM
Subject:

This story brought tears to my ears, and I thought you would love it, too. All of this is completely true!

A tribe of eskimos was hunting when they came upon a baby harp seal trapped under the fin of a beached whale. Though they were starving, they all worked together to push the whale back into the sea and allowed it to swim away. As they watched it leave, a meteor fell from the sky toward the little seal. An eskimo girl pushed the seal out of the way and was crushed beneath it, dying an instant but horrible death. Then beautiful blue and green lights began to shine in the sky for the first time as her spirit traveled to the heavens. Since that day, year after year the whale brought seaweed for the eskimos and the harp seal brought fish for them to eat; so they never went hungry again.

In summary, be careful to avoid all forms of footwear lest you share the same fate as my eskimo cousin whose moccasins devoured him as he was putting them on.

PASS THIS HEARTWARMING STORY ON OR YOU WILL SUFFER. THE SPIRIT OF THE ESKIMO GIRL WILL FREEZE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY TO DEATH IN THREE DAYS IF YOU HAVE NOT FORWARDED THIS MESSAGE TO AT LEAST 10 BILLION PEOPLE BY THEN.

All fish say "Moo."

The body was discovered at 7:23 this morning in the elevator of a local hotel. Murder weapon is believed to be the paper clip found nearby due to its proximity to the body and the residue on its surface, though this has not yet been confirmed. Investigators are currently questioning the victim's family, but no suspects have been declared.

A world without bendy straws

I still have yet to do this with an original character.

Test yourself, test your enemies.

Part III

Part 2

Part One

More ya ha.

Ya ha.
Ya ha.
Ya ha.
Ya ha.
Ya ha.
Ya ha.
Ya ha.
Ya ha.
(Ya ha.)

Translation:
If you took one piece of a lost civilization and showed it to the anthropological community, you would be placed amongst their heroes and consequently would be filled with glee. (Pokemon.)

Ya ha.

Really, you too?

Requested by me, drawn by the talented Bloody-Melons.

My dentures are neon green.

A unicorn stands in the airport lobby. Dare you approach it to stroke its mane, risking the wrath of its claws?

Attack the Tack

Fear not tomorrow for it will soon be yesterday.

Fuji--As in the Apple

Have you stood upon the moon? Have you danced upon its pale surface? Have you rested in the crescent curve? Have you fallen off and landed painfully on many sharp, pointy objects that were coincidentally below?

Can you believe how cold the sun is?

"I'm going on a trip."
"You're lucky."
"It's for a funeral."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"I didn't like him."
"Ah."
"But we used to be best friends."
"Oh . . ."
"I'm going to gloat anyway."
". . ."

Chunks

Announcement has the word "ounce" in it.

Fourth Post

Your Profile

I wrote a profile for you. A few details may be missing.

Name: Yes
Age: Yes
Interests: I regularly eat dead things and drink liquids. During the summer, I do some things. In the winter I do some of the same things but also some different things. I may or may not listen to music. Also, I have hobbies.

How many orange juices are in an apple juice?

Ninth Post

The concept of Santa legitimizes lying and trickery on the part of figures responsible for child care. It also promotes the idea that good behavior is meant to be contingent on material rewards. Children who believe in Santa until five or older have been found to be more likely to end up in mental institutions as janitors (see graph below).

Ninth Post

Behold the sockboot. It is a boot that appears to be both a sock and a shoe.

Tomorrow, Santa. Maybe.

Does the funeral home sell apples?

Forty-eighth Post

I sneezed a sneeze that put me at ease
A sneeze that carried so far on a breeze
It touched some bees sitting on keys
They said to me, "Hi, would you like some peas?"

Seventeenth Post